


In Transition

by persxphone



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Child Abuse, F/M, Humanstuck, M/M, Other, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Trans Character, Trans Karkat Vantas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-09
Updated: 2016-09-27
Packaged: 2018-05-02 00:21:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5226740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/persxphone/pseuds/persxphone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I saw a piece of art that inspired this fic and apparently it's getting away from me. Basically Dave helps Karkat to come to terms with being transgender and helps him through the process. Trigger warnings for child abuse and homo/transphobia.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

You twist this way and that, tug at your mess of curls to at least _try_ and resemble the cute pixie cuts you see on Tumblr, then give a screech of pure frustration and give up. But not too loud. If you let your anger get the best of you, you'll alert your father, and he won't be happy to see you in one of Kanaya's dresses again. The bruises from last time only just faded. Not for the first time, you find yourself shocked to be missing your older brother's long speeches on acceptance and the changing world. He might not've been any help against your father's fist (sometimes even making it worse), but the support was always appreciated. Hastily, you remove the fitted ensemble for the faded, tattered jeans you've been wearing for the last four years, and one of your oversized sweaters, making sure to tug the sleeves all the way down, so that they brush your second knuckle and there's no chance of them sliding up and revealing scars better left unquestioned. Just in time, since your father is shouting for you to hurry up and get your ass in gear.

Ten minutes later, you've positioned yourself in the backseat, backpack balanced on your knees, and stare decidedly out the window as your father drives you to the local high school. Each minute passing by brings a peculiar mixture of relief and dread: relief to be away from home, if only for a few hours, and dread to be forced into a social environment. You hate the stares you get walking down the hallways next to your gorgeous group of friends, hate the whispers that crawl over your skin and sink into your pores. They think you're some sort of pet or mascot to the likes of Kanaya Maryam and Terezi Pyrope, tall and lithe and beautiful as they are. You can't help but agree. Hell, even Sollux, with his irritating lisp, has more potential than you do. The simple fact is that you don't belong: not with them, not at home, and not in your own skin.

The car stops. You get out hastily, throw your bag over your shoulder, and tuck your chin into your chest as you resist the urge to run across the grounds and through the doors. Just as you reach the steps, a melodic voice catches your attention;

"You're not wearing it?"

Your eyes snap up to Kanaya's face, zero in on her high cheekbones and pointed chin. "No." A deep V takes shape between her perfect brows, prompting you to follow up, "I tried it on." It's enough to elicit a genuine smile, and she loops an arm through yours.

"How was the fit?"

"Fine."

"So you simply didn't like it?"

"Kan, you know how..." You worry your lip, study the disgusting linoleum passing under your sneaker'd feet. "You know how my dad is."

A long sigh. Kanaya has a vice-grip on your bicep, the only sign to the true depth of her frustration. "You know you can come live with us-"

"And have to see you and Rose drool all over each other? I'll pass, thanks."

"Karkat..."

"I'll think about it." AKA, _That's enough_. Kanaya has offered to let you move in with her and her family so many times, you've lost count, and every time you decline. It's not like you love your father, not like he has some horrible illness that prompts you to stay by his side out of sympathy. And yet, you can't muster up the courage to go. Maybe it's naive, but you keep holding out hope that some day, he'll change. Some day, he'll love you as you are, and not keep trying to shape you into the son you will never be. Besides, you aren't sure you could handle living in a house full of women who look like they should be on the cover of Vogue Magazine. You love Kanaya, but having to compare yourself with her and her older sister, Porrim, every moment would just be too much. You're more than capable of making yourself feel like shit 24/7 without their unintentional help.

The bell blares, interrupting Kanaya before she can keep the conversation going with her usual unruffled eloquence. You hurry to your first class of the day.


	2. Chapter 2

You slide into your seat (third row, second from the back, flanked on all sides and unable to look anywhere but at the chewed up end of your pencil) and tuck your pack between your knees, fish out the necessary text book with _World Civilizations: A Comparative Study_ scrawled across the front. It's not that you're particularly studious, you'd just rather be safely in the classroom, under the watchful eye of your oblivious teachers, than left to the hallways to fend for yourself. Civilizations, technically an elective, is filled with artsy types who would rather be left alone, and the occasional odd one out, looking for an easy A in the wrong place. It's _safe_. No one will pester you here. Except, of course, that occasional odd one out.

Cue Dave Strider, as ridiculously good-looking as he is annoying. The blonde drops into the seat next to you, and you hastily busy yourself with looking for the pages of today's lesson, helpfully scribbled on the side of the whiteboard, and resolutely ignore his incessant staring, the cocky grin on his lips. "Mornin', Kar-Kitty," Dave purred, eliciting a spike of aforementioned annoyance. You don't react, just ready your notebook, and he pouts. "C'mon, not even a 'good morning' back?"

"Fuck you, Strider," you grumble, dipping your head.

"Take me to dinner first, Vantas."

You let out a small cry of frustration, propping your chin into the dip between thumb and forefinger, then splay your hand to create a wall between yourself and the Stri-Douche. It also helps hide the blush flaring over your cheeks, but you know from his muffled laughter that he can see it on the tips of your ears, peaking out between your curls. You keep your breathing even, in through the nose and out through your mouth, until you've calmed down enough to pay attention to your teacher as she begins the class. As much as Dave's harassment bothers you, it's the fact that he has the answer to every question he's called out on, how detailed the notes he absently makes are, a vibrant candy red against the pale cream of his notebook's pages, that really gets under your skin. Why he can't write in black or gray like a normal person is beyond you, but you've grown to get used to his eccentricities in the three years you've attended high school together, constantly slummed together despite all your efforts to escape him.

For three years you've been privy to his accomplishments, and his failures. You've watched from the sidelines as he conquered swimming competitions, brought home the trophy in a local fencing tournament, cheered with the rest as he wrapped up the school's talent show with an original rap involving a lot of innuendos you weren't entirely sure had been approved by the teachers running the event. You'd also seen the bruises, dismissed as rough housing with a brother he called guardian. You'd watched him slink into the back of the theater on closing night, platinum blonde hair tucked under dark toque, and slip away before the bows were over. You'd watched him standing outside the door as Anthropology started, before he dragged himself away to a class he outwardly deemed "more worthwhile."

"Karkat? Would you like to answer the question?"

"Hm? Wha- I, sorry, um..."

"Or would you like to let us in on what it is you find so interesting, that you can't pay attention to the class?"

"N-no! It's, ah..." You see Dave's long fingers tapping, just under a line of bright red: _homo erectus vs homo sapiens_. "H-homo e-erectus had larger brains than homo sapiens?"

Your teacher stares at you a moment longer, until she can see your discomfort bubbling over, then nods once. "Correct. Does anyone else have any differences they would like to add?"

Breathing a sigh of relief, you let your head fall gently atop your desk and mumble, "Thanks," as quietly as you can.

"You owe me now, Vantas."

Why do you get the feeling he'll be expecting you to follow through on that debt?


	3. Chapter 3

The bell blares and you make a beeline for the door, but not fast enough. Dave cuts you off, uncannily quick, and you swallow hard to keep your nerves at bay. "What?" you snap, gaze skipping past his shoulder to the door and your freedom, before you zero in on his face again. "I have places to be. Class to get to."

"Give me your phone number."

"I- _What_?"

"Your number. You owe me, and that's what I want. Give me your number and I'll call it even."

"I'd rather not have to deal with your harassment 24/7, thank you." You make a move to step around him, but he mirrors you and by now you've caught the attention of the other stragglers. Before long, the next class will be filing in, and you'll have an even bigger audience to deal with. You can always just block him later. "Fine, give me your phone."

The smile that breaks out on his face makes your stomach flip. "Now we're talking." He passes a slim iPhone to you, and you swipe right to reveal a lock screen. You glare up at him through your bangs and hold the screen up. "Oh, right. Sorry." He has the decency to look sheepish as he taps in his code, then you're free to bring up the calling app. Finding the keypad, you tap in your phone number and press _call_. The answering vibration in your back pocket signals a success, and you hang up.

"Happy?"

"Thrilled."

"Great," you grumble with a roll of your eyes. "Am I free to go now?"

"After you," Dave chimes, looking entirely too satisfied with himself as he makes a sweeping gesture with one arm, and you stalk from the classroom into the chaos of your school's hallways. Terezi is there waiting for you, leaning on her walking stick, and you cross the hall to her side.

"Hey, sorry that took so long."

"What're you doing talking to the cool kid?" she asks as the two of you fall into step, making your way to biology.

"I wasn't."

"I'm blind, not stupid."

"I was- _Hrngngh_." You grind your teeth in frustration, then hiss, "Not exactly my choice. I was zoning out in class and he kinda saved my ass. Said I owed him. So he asked for my number." Terezi's answering cackle is enough to draw the eye of literally fucking everyone, and you immediately shush her. "Terezi!"

"Didn't know you had such smooth moves."

"I _don't_."

"C'mon. I know you've had a crush on him since forever." Not that it stopped Terezi from dating him briefly in the summer after your freshman year, you recall with a note of bitterness. Her elbow jars you from your thoughts and she adds, "Stop pretending, I know you're stoked."

"What could he possibly want my number for _other_ than harassing me, Terezi? This can't be anything but bad." You've reached your next classroom, but Terezi stops you outside the door. "Seriously. He's barely acknowledged I exist in three years."

"You can't read minds, Karkat. Stop sweating about it. Maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised."

The only surprise that comes out of it over the next few days is the complete _lack_ of surprise - the complete lack of _anything_ , for that matter. You don't get so much as a confirmation text from Dave to make sure you didn't put someone else's phone number in, and it leaves you strangely disappointed. It's all business as usual until mid-morning Friday, when your phone suddenly will not stop going off.

 

 

 

> 10:54  _**DAVE:**_   hey kk  
>  10:54  _**DAVE:**_   hey karkles  
>  10:55  _**DAVE:**_   karkitty my man  
>  10:55  _**DAVE:**_   kkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
> 
> 10:55  _**karkat:**_   JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM.  
>  10:55  _**karkat:**_   I'M IN CLASS, NUMBNUTS. STOP TEXTING ME.
> 
> 10:55  _**DAVE:**_   so when can i text you then
> 
> 10:55  _**karkat:**_ IDK AT LUNCH OR SOMETHING?
> 
> 10:56  _**DAVE:**_ sweet ok

You sigh and tuck your phone back into your pocket, hoping the issue is resolved. Thirty seconds later, it clearly isn't.

 

 

> 10:57  _**DAVE:**_   that's way too far away tho  
>  10:57  _**DAVE:**_   plus im really bored
> 
> 10:58  _**karkat:**_   WELL I HAVE BETTER THINGS DO TO, SO STOP IT.

With a frustrated grunt, you shove your phone as deep into your pocket as it will go, resolutely deciding to ignore the infernal device until the end of class. Beside you, Terezi snickers, picking up on your agitation with an ease that only further ruffles your feathers. You hunch your shoulders and slump further down in your seat, doing your best to focus on the pros and cons of behavioral therapy versus cognitive. On your other side, Rose has a smile on her plum lips, and her violet eyes make your stomach clench with unease. " _What_?" you hiss, trying your hardest not to get, quote, _shouty_ , unquote. The blonde simply titters and turns her gaze back to the front, purple pen poised above notes she'd already written in advance.

"I just don't get what his aim is!" you bellow later, pacing restlessly across the grass as your friends lounge and pick at their lunches. Or well, Kanaya and Rose do. Terezi, however, has devoured hers in about five seconds flat, and you have absolutely no idea where the endless flood of snacks both sweet and savory that Gamzee has been chomping through even _come_ from. Aradia and Sollux have wandered off a few minutes previous, and Feferi sent you a text saying she would join all of you after checking in with Eridan. You aren't exactly keen on getting that pompous asshole's two cents on your anxieties, so you're ranting as fast as your tongue can handle.

"Seriously. Why would he ask for my _phone number_ , of all things? And he's barely done anything with it! There has to be an ulterior motive. Rose, he's your cousin, don't you have anything to say?"

"Karkat, what Dave does is of little to no consequence to me. I couldn't possibly assume to know his motivations. Perhaps he simply wanted your phone number. It's an entirely probable scenario-"

"No, it fucking isn't." Kanaya's tongue clicks against her pallet, and instantly your shoulders deflate. "Sorry," you mumble.

"Maybe you should just ask him," Terezi pipes up.

"Hell to the mother fucking no," you shoot back, never missing a beat. Ask? What did she mean by that? To actually _communicate_ like a mature individual? Ridiculous. "He'll just laugh at me. And dismiss me. And... I don't know. Fuck, just- _No_."

"I could ask for you."

"That's even worse!"

"Then I don't know what you want to do, Karkat!"

"I- I don't know, either."

"Might I suggest a change of subject?" Kanaya cuts in, smoothing the rising tension. "You still haven't worn the dress I made you. You haven't even sent me a picture."

Instantly, Terezi perks up, and you groan, sinking down to the grass and dragging your paper bag lunch towards you. "I didn't know you made her a new one!" she gushes. "Why didn't I get to know? I want to see you in it!"

"Well you won't," you state; _firmly_. "It's in my bag. And call me _him_ , jesus fucking christ. Kanaya, you have to take it back. Dad found it and I told him it was yours and you left it by accident." You'd been shocked he believed you at all, since Kanaya was easily a foot taller than you and the dress would never have fit her. The terror you'd felt seeing it sitting on the coffee table after coming home from school yesterday had you throwing up in the bathroom all night, and you were still reeling. There's an uncomfortable pause before Feferi walks up with Eridan, Sollux, and Aradia in tow.

"Hey!" she squeals over your head, arms draping over your shoulders and squeezing. "What's everyone so serious about?"

"Karkat's got the dress Kanaya made her in her backpack!"

"Terezi, _fuck_ , someone might hear you!"

"She has to try it on for us!"

" _What_?"

But the idea has already taken hold. Before you know it, Aradia and Feferi have hauled you to your feet, each with a bicep clasped firmly, ensuring you can't run away. Kanaya helps Rose to her feet, Gamzee grabs your bag, Sollux cleans up in double time, and everyone is marching you towards the school's main building before you have a chance to protest properly. Within moments they've located an empty bathroom, and the guys stand guard outside while the girls are holding you hostage. Feferi runs off to get a wig, Rose has already returned with hers _and_ Aradia's make up bags, and Kanaya is holding you firmly in place while murmuring her assurances that you'll be returned to your original state once their curiosity has been sated. You make her promise at least thirty times before you consent to hold still while they paint your face in creams the color of chocolate, unruly curls pushed out of the way. The process takes time, and you can tell they're going all out, if the times you've watched them get ready in the mornings is anything to go by. Rose feathers her fingertips over blemishes at your temples and in the crease beneath your lip, smoothing away imperfections. _Bite your lip. Turn left. Chin up. Suck in your cheeks._ You've seen enough make up tutorials on Instagram and YouTube to realize what her instructions mean, which goes a long way to speeding up the process.

Some time later, Rose sits back satisfied, a soft hum sounding deep in her throat. "Alright. Let's get you dressed."


	4. Chapter 4

"Holy fucking shit."

The lighting in this bathroom is terrible, but as you crane your neck this way and that, you swear you have actual cheekbones. Rose is a wizard with her brushes, wielding them like a magic wand, and you almost feel like the princess you always wanted to be when you were small. Your lashes have never been this luscious, and your normally near-black eyes look almost molten with the shadow. Your friends stand in a loose semi-circle, slapping high fives and looking entirely too satisfied with themselves, but all you can do is smile. For once, you actually recognize the face looking back at you in the mirror. For once, you feel like yourself. The dress isn't all bad, either, with a modest neckline and cap sleeves. If you twist, the a-line skirt helps you pretend like you have curves.

"Ok, help me take this off."

"What?" comes Terezi's shriek. "No! You're keeping that on. Our hard work isn't about to be for nothing."

You scowl, painted lips pulled back as you prepare to take her down a peg on just what you're going through, but Kanaya cuts in: "Just for the rest of the day. There's no harm in that, is there? You look gorgeous, Karkat." It's enough to soften you, and after a moment you relent. Your friends are present through all of your classes, which will make it easier to ignore the stares and whispers from your peers. Considering the fact that you look nothing like your usual self, you doubt anyone will link your usual hunched figure with the almost confident woman staring back at you from a grimy mirror. The wig Feferi styled makes the harsh angles of your face softer, rounds your jaw into something proud and defiant. Her and Kanaya tackled it with bobby pins and heating tools to craft it into a gently waving mane, half pinned back to keep it from falling into your face.

"Karkat, my cousin is calling you."

Rose's voice startles you from your daydreaming and you swipe the ancient phone from her manicured fingers, fumbling with it before you manage to answer the call and bark, "What do you _want_ , Strider?" A chorus of titters fly up around you as you roll your eyes and grab your things, toes curling in the simple gray flats you borrowed from Aradia. Why should it be weird that you and Dave talk?

"You weren't answering my texts," comes the nonchalant reply, and you can't help rolling your eyes before you freeze.

"Dave... How many texts did you send me?"

"I dunno, a couple hundred?"

You let out a wordless screech of frustration and it takes Kanaya's hand on your wrist to stop you from raking your fingers through your hair and ruining her hard work, a straightener snapping threateningly in front of your face. You offer a feeble smile in apology, then scoop up your bag and storm from the bathroom.

"I don't have unlimited text," you hiss over the line, and from his silence you can tell this is a concept that he's never heard of before. "My dad is going to _fucking murder me, numb nuts_."

"Oh. Uh. Hm. Should've filled me in on that one."

"It shouldn't be necessary! What kind of _fuck_ texts someone _two hundred fucking times_ when they're _clearly_ fucking busy!"

"A really bored one. C'mon, don't be mad, Karks."

"I'm hanging up now before I go over my minutes, too."

"Karka--"

You wish flip phones were still a thing, that way you could snap it shut when you hang up on him, rather than the unsatisfactory click of your fingernail against the screen. Sollux and Gamzee give you a curious look, but you can tell they're more interested in your make over than your bad mood. "Karkat, if I didn't hate you so much, I'd totally do you," Eridan drawls as he saunters up, picking at a bag of chips from the cafeteria. The smile on his face makes you want to take a shower, and not in a good way.

"Shut your fucking mouth."

"I know you want me to fuck you with my mouth, but--"

"Shut. _Up_."

"You look good, Karkat," Gamzee says, in a moment of seriousness you genuinely appreciate, and you stare at the ground between the four of you as your cheeks color.

"Thanks."

"So why _was_ my cousin calling you?" Rose asks as she and the other girls follow you out, ruining the moment.

You cross your arms over your chest and turn your face away. "We _talk_ , okay? Is that so weird?" you snap.

"You got Stridouche's number? No offense, Rose."

"None taken, Sollux. I am perfectly familiar with my cousin's moods."

" _He_ got my number."

"You gave him your number? Ballsy."

"He _asked_ for it, you dick eating _piece of shit_!" You're hot all over and you want to talk about _literally anything fucking else_ when the bell rings, mercifully saving you from further inquiry. Tossing your hair over your shoulder with a flair you didn't think you possessed, you ruin your dramatic exit by attempting to shove your phone into a pocket you don't have and stumbling over your own feet.

* * *

 

"He has no life," you whisper in disbelief, scrolling through the multitude of messages Strider left for you to find. Gamzee and Sollux each peer over a shoulder, tittering softly. Normally you sit by the isle, but they insisted on sitting you in the middle of them, and you can't say you mind. You're actually a little grateful. The stares you've received over the past hour alone have left you with a strange mix of pride and nausea, ranging from want to jealousy. You're not sure which you like the best; or worst, to be more precise. You hate being the center of any kind of attention. At least most of the stares lack any trace of recognition.

 

> 11:59   **_DAVE:_**    hey  
>  11:59   **_DAVE:_**    its lunch am i allowed to text you now  
>  12:00   **_DAVE:_**    where do you normally have lunch anyway i never see you in the cafeteria

He notices you're not in the cafeteria? He notices you at all?

 

> 12:25   _**DAVE:**_    karkat  
>  12:25   _**DAVE:**_    karkles  
>  12:25   _**DAVE:**_ karkitty  
>  12:25   _**DAVE:**_    k-dog  
>  12:26   _**DAVE:**_    kar-dragon  
>  12:26   _**DAVE:**_    kar-swaggin

There's about fifty texts that are exclusively made up of different nicknames, followed by a short rap featuring all of them. It makes you smile, despite yourself.

 

> 12:49   _**DAVE:**_    dude why havent you answered yet  
>  12:49   **_DAVE:_**    aw man youve been in a horrible accident havent you  
>  12:50   **_DAVE:_**    am i gonna have to come save you like a white knight  
>  12:50   _**DAVE:**_    cuz i left my armor at home man

You laugh and cover it up with a cough when the teacher sends a particularly scathing look your way. You're lucky the class is just watching a movie on the second world war today, rather than doing something legitimately important.

 

> 1:39   **_karkat:_**    YOU'RE REALLY ANNOYING, YOU KNOW THAT?
> 
> 1:40   **_DAVE:_**    so you can still text  
>  1:40   **_DAVE:_**    im wounded man how could you lie to me like this  
>  1:41   **_DAVE:_**    all this trust weve built  
>  1:41   **_DAVE:_**    what are we gonna tell the kids dude our family is in shambles

You dig your nails into your palm to keep from laughing, eyes watering with the strain. Gamzee looks at you curiously and you wave him away. Sollux lost interest a little while ago and has resorted to fiddling with some game on his phone.

 

> 1:42   **_karkat:_**    I WASN'T LYING, I REALLY DO HAVE A LIMITED NUMBER OF TEXTS. I'M ALREADY SO FAR OVER THE LIMIT, THERE'S NO POINT IN STOPPING NOW.
> 
> 1:42   **_DAVE:_**    oh  
>  1:42   **_DAVE:_** im really sorry about that tho dude you shouldve let me know
> 
> 1:43   **_karkat:_**    AND YOU SHOULD GET SOME FUCKING MANNERS. WHEN SOMEONE DOESN'T ANSWER, IT MEANS THEY'RE BUSY.
> 
> 1:43   **_DAVE:_**    what were you doing that was so important anyway

You consider telling him. You consider opening up about your family struggles and how your friends are the only ones you can really be yourself around, and then you decide against it. You don't want to scare him away just yet.

 

> 1:45   **_karkat:_**    NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, STRIDER.
> 
> 1:45   **_DAVE:_**    wow ok no need to be so sensitive about it just curious

Maybe that wasn't the better option.

 

> 1:46   **_karkat:_**    IT'S COMPLICATED, OKAY? NOT REALLY THE KIND OF THING YOU TALK ABOUT OVER TEXT.
> 
> 1:46   **_DAVE:_**    then tell me after school  
>  1:47   **_DAVE:_**    i have mario kart i promise not to kick your ass too hard
> 
> 1:47   **_karkat:_**    OH SO CONFIDENT IN YOURSELF I SEE.  
>  1:47   **_karkat:_**    I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I AM THE FUCKING MARIO KART MASTER.
> 
> 1:48   **_DAVE:_**    prove it

Are you actually about to hang out with Dave Strider? Your heart's in your throat. You only just started texting him, and that gives you enough anxiety to begin with. You're pretty sure you couldn't actually hold a conversation with him in person, much less spend one on one time with the guy. Not yet, anyway.

 

> 1:51   **_karkat:_**    I HAVE PLANS ALREADY.
> 
> 1:51   **_DAVE:_**    how about tomorrow

You let out a little groan of frustration and Sollux glances your way. "Just do it, KK," he hisses. "You're always whining about this guy. Go for it."

"He's an _ass_."

"And you want it. Just do it."

Gamzee only gives you a double thumbs up when you look at him for help. "Some friends you are," you grumble.

 

> 1:53   **_karkat:_**    FINE. TOMORROW.
> 
> 1:54   **_DAVE:_**    hahahaha aww yeah thats what im talking about  
>  1:54   **_DAVE:_**    prepare to get your ass kicked so hard your descendants will feel it for generations to come


End file.
